some more late night thoughts

Sometimes i wondered how a person could do that in public- watch anime, play with those pokemon or yugioh, talk loudly with their friends. Wear this, wear that. Wear those crazy witch like leggings MONTHS before halloween, or literally have rainbow colored hair. But then i realize they are just so adamant on being themselves. Either that or being an annoying nuisance (with the talking loudly thing). and THEN i realize here i am, preaching about BEING YOURSELF when (although i have been changing) i haven't lived up to that. I mean with certain people the fear diminishes, and i can be myself because i have gained the feeling of acceptance from those people, but when people do that on a whim, i definitely get jealous. Jealous that i can't do that on my own sometimes. 
JEALOUSY
TURNING SAINTS INTO THE SEA

okay okay i will stop with my Killers moment. But you get the picture, i hope... haha(;

Now i have been changing, i have been unafraid to be myself. In a place of 36,000 it is quite easy to do. It has been my reason for everything, "oh i'll never see that kid again", after embarrassing myself, but even in a place of 36,000 that may still not happen. I just have to no longer care sometimes about not feeling accepted, but i can't get the idea in my head that there will be people that won't accept and appreciate you, even if you have never met the person. It is sad but humanity can be sick and twisted.  But that somehow makes everything so much greater. Light cannot exist with darkness, just like the Good guys can't exist without the bad. I mean that idea can seem pretty effed up, but due to the fact that we have bad moments help us to embrace the good moments so much better. The bad times also make us stronger.
I am not saying that i am thankful bad things happen in the world, thank goodness for terrorism, for the still-existing KKK. NO. i am not saying that. and even then, when the bad guys exist, the good guys have to, too. And although it may seem childish to think "THe good guys always win" they DO, even if they win in this life, they won't win in the next, regardless of your religion.
So i tell you dear readers, yeah my posts, they may now seem hypocritical. But these are thoughts i WANT to live by, i want to put into my everyday moments and life. I want to smile every moment of every day, but that isn't humanely possibly. I want to believe in myself, but i can't seem to find that in myself either. Now that is "humanely possible" to believe in yourself, it just is so hard for me sometimes. I didn't grow up in a state of abuse, i have a wonderful and loving family. I just took every word pointing at me, i let every knife thrown at me, stab me. Those big and small. So even when i say "Believe in yourself! Don't think of what others think!" although i may not be living up to just yet, those are true words that ring in my body and soul.
I will, in some moment and time, not know the feeling of NOT believing in myself. soon, hopefully(: